Heart and Foot Update pt. 2
1/6/26
I went to the doctor today. They let me take my monitor off! It was so insanely nasty. Like all oozey and starting to smell bad. Eeeeee! I'm dropping it off at the post office today, maybe they'll think it's a bioweapon.
In terms of the foot, the doctor thinks I have a bone spur. He prescribed an anti-inflammatory ("souped-up ibuprofen" he called it) that arthritics often take. The who inflammation thing is tricky. When I thought it might be a stress fracture, I read that you aren't supposed to take anti-inflammatories because it's the inflamation that triggers bone healing. But I'm pretty sure that's how bone spurs work -- the inflamation triggers too much bone growth. hm. If I still have pain in two weeks, I'm meant to reach back out, at which point they'll do an x-ray or refer me to a podiatrist. Ughhhhhh.
Heart and Foot Update
1/4/26
Ok. A few days after writing that last post, I had an SVT episode. It was my first in months, and I had just scheduled an appointment to get my monitor put on a few days later. I just missed it! Now I've had it on for a week and nothing has happened with my little heart. What has happened, however, is a gnarly allergic reaction. It is so insanely itchy under the monitor and it's all red and raised. This morning I woke up and my skin was flaking off at the edges of the monitor.
I've been messaging with my primary through mychart (ugh) and they asked for a pitcure which I sent on Friday right before they closed, so now I've been stuck waiting for them to open so they can (hopefully!) let me take it off. I wish it could've caught an episode, but that felt like a long shot even before my body started rejecting it.
At the same time, my body is dealing with another problem. 5 days ago I woke up unable to put any weight on my right heel. At first I thought it was plantar fasciitis, but now I'm leaning towards a stress fracture. I have an appointment in two days. I feel like my body is rejecting me or something. I try to be good and lift weights and be fit and I break my foot!!!!! What's a girl to do. I'm really hoping it's a stress fracture because that heals mostly on it's own. I've been perusing the plantar fasciitis subreddit (as a worry-wart is wont to do) which made me panic. These poor people have been in pain for years with little relief. Different things work for different people to relieve pain and it seems like nothing works for more than one person. I realize that this is a skewed sample, which is the only thing reassuring me. The people whose PF (I'm at the point of using acronyms for my potential ailments, that's how deep I am) only last a few days or even weeks are not posting on a subreddit.
Ugh I sound like such a fragile flower. It's really not a huge deal. I'll get over it, and will hopefully have an answer on my monitor on monday and my foot on tuesday. Love u guys and happy new year <3
Health
12/14/25
I have been trying to focus on my health, and it's not really working. This April I ended up in the hospital after my heartrate failed to dip below 200 bpm for over an hour. They rushed me back, hooked me up to a bunch of stuff, and poked and prodded me with all sorts of needles. When one nurse asked another to bring in a crash cart, my grey's anatomy-watching ass became terrified. It all ended up okay, but I found out that I am prone to bouts of SVT -- supraventricular tachycardia.
Allegedly this can happen to healthy hearts. I got bloodwork done, and all was normal -- but my bad cholesterol was a little high. I eat so much junk food; fatty, sugary, delicious, junk food. It makes me happy. When I'm having a rough day at work, I turn to the snack cabinet and the huge fishbowl full of hershey kisses next to my desk. Sometime I think that glp-1s sound nice. I don't necessarily want to lose weight, though being 5 pounds lighter would make my muscles more defined -- one of my main weightlifting goals. What i'd really like is the lack of food noise. My brain is full of food. All I think about is the next time I can eat and what I can eat and how much of it I will eat.Ok this is drifting from the point.
My doctor called in an order to get me a wearable heart monitor to wear for two weeks. That was in September. My referral expired, so now I have to call the cardiologist. The problem is, I haven't had an episode of SVT since then. For a while, it was every three days. But maybe it fixed itself. I just really don't want to go through all that trouble -- insurance, copays, appointments, missing work (i work in a pool) -- just for the monitor to not catch a single episode. Ok so i'm decided I need to just get it over with and also just be healthy. I gotta get that cholesterol down.
The thing is, I love to exercise. I love to lift heavy and see the differences in my body as a result of my heard work. But this has never translated to what I put in my body. Maybe it's a dopamine thing. I get so much happiness from exercising, and so much from eating delicious food which is usually not very healthy. I think I relate to a lot of what I've heard about food addiction. Okay I feel like I'm straying from the point and also I'm at work haha and should get back to it.
Being Alone
11/23/25
Sooooo my boyfriend is out of town for a little over a week, and I'm scared to be alone.
When I was a kid, I cherished my alone time deeply. My mom would turn down playdates with my very best friends on account of my declared "needing alone time." I would typically listen to an audiobook on CD from the library and play with my Harry Potter legos. In high school, I spent much of my weekends alone. I spent all day at school, the car rides before and after, and 2 hours of swim practice with my two best friends daily, so I had often depleted my social battery and gotten my necessary friend time in by the time the weekends rolled around.
Something switched when I got to college. Suddenly I was constantly surrounded by people, and at the end of the day I started coming home to either my best friends in the world or a lover. I'm still not sure how I feel about that word. I liked it when I was feeling especially disillusioned with womanhood, but it does still make me want to gag. But these were boyfriends and hookups, and I'm not sure what single word would describe the both of them. Either way, I always had someone to be with. It didn't even have to be particularly social, but I started taking immense comfort in the quite companionship of nights by the TV with all of my friends in the same room on different laptops.
When I graduated college and moved home, my dad became the friend I always hung out with. We watched TV or a movie almost every night together, and I regularly fell asleep on the couch, bypassing the worst part of the night where one is wide awake and cycling through their scariest thoughts before hopefully falling asleep quickly and painlessly.
I moved out of my family home two months ago, and my unavoidable alone time has become much more frequent. And I'm so scared of it. If I know I have to be alone for a night, I will spend the day frantically trying to plan ways to fill the time so I don't have to truly feel alone with myself. I'm trying to change that. I'm trying so hard. My boyfriend is out of town this week, and I am trying desperately to resist the urge to make plans for every single night so that I don't have to exist at night alone. Tonight I am by myself. I am working on my website and watching Nurse Jackie and I am having an amazing time. I need to remember this. It's the day leading up to the night alone that makes me panic; that makes the night necessarily scary. I need to understand the truth that nights alone are not inherently scary, or lonely, or sad, or boring. I like nights alone. This week I will try like I have so many times to internalize that truth, but for now I will also fill my brain with TV and HTML so I don't feel so alone. Wow I said the word alone so many times. p.s. I know this is very basic stuff here but it's hard for me to remember. Maybe this isn't relatable idk...
Baby's First Blog Post
11/18/25
Wow. I made a website. I am typing in html and here is goes on my website. This is a very common thing that lots of people do but it kind of feels like magic. I am casting a spell that makes words appear on my computer but also anybody else's computer.
Sometimes I find it embarassing which photos of myself are my favorite. Based on the main photo for this site and the one attached to this very post, I must like the way I look with my bangs pulled back and my forehead front and center. But in real life this is when I feel my ugliest. Odd how that works! I really want to post this on instagram but I have had a few instances of adults in my life not like the stuff I post when it's like this. But whatever. Stay tuned I guess.